Gonzaga professor studies successful marriage relationships

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By Tanya Smith, Staff Writer
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March 29, 2010 —

Mark Young always wanted to work with people, but it wasn't until he saw his wife, Cami, working as a recreational therapist that he started thinking about working with families and couples.

Once he started his graduate work at Idaho State University he found his niche working with couples and specializing in marriage counseling.

Five years ago Young, a member of the Liberty Lake Ward in the Spokane Valley Stake, arrived in Spokane to run the graduate program in counseling at Eastern Washington University. In 2008 he transferred to Gonzaga University where he currently works as the director of the new Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling program. Much of his work includes research of healthy couple relationships and why they work.

Mark Young and his family on one of their many family outings. Contributed Photo.

His research places a significant degree of emphasis on how an individual sees themselves and others; believing that perceptions influence what we expect and then how we interact.

"There is a strong relationship between the perception we hold of our spouse and what we expect from him or her," Dr. Young said. "These expectations then influence how we interact. This process becomes a habitual, repeated pattern that can either bring couples closer together and build a secure connection of trust or it can turn them away from one another where they see their spouse as distant and unsafe."

Dr. Young said that being a member of the Church has influenced much of his work. He believes one of the best ways to strengthen a family is to strengthen the parents in their marriage. Based on Joseph Smith's teaching, "teach people correct principles and they will govern themselves," Dr. Young believes that when it comes to how to make a family work and stay close, many of us have simply not been taught correct principles.

"My research efforts are aimed to better understand healthy couple relationships and how to help more couples feel close and successful in their relationships," he said. "I also believe that my own experiences in the gospel help me better understand forgiveness and the need to believe in ourselves like our Heavenly Father believes in us."

Dr. Young has been married to his high school sweetheart for 13 years this August and they have five kids, including two sets of twins. He and his wife find they use his professional background in their relationship every day. "I think the key is making conversations about your relationship a positive experience," he said. "In my marriage we have found that when we can make these conversations positive and safe, even when talking about things we might want to change, we tend to look forward to these meetings. I know my research and studies have changed the way I parent, the way I try to love my wife and how I see myself."

Making small changes before distance and distrust enter a relationship is one reason Dr. Young is an advocate for programs like the "Marriage and Family Relations" class the Church periodically offers to ward members. Although Young mostly works with and teaches professional counselors, he also maintains a small practice where he works with couples. He also presents at enrichment nights, firesides, and relationship workshops, like the upcoming Parenting 2010 Seminar sponsored by the Spokane Washington North Stake (http://www.parentingseminar.org/index.htm) April 17, which is free to the public.

While taking a class or attending a workshop is a convenient, non-threatening way for a couple to start learning the skills needed to make their relationship work, Dr. Young's number one suggestion for improving a couple relationship is to simply create time for your marriage.

"We are so busy that it becomes too easy to discount the time it takes to remain close and to stay connected as a couple," he said. "My research says we need to focus on how we see our spouse. Develop a pattern of looking for the positive in your spouse and in your relationship and focusing on them."

Dr. Young also suggests couples work to love their spouse in a way that works for that person.

"Our church leaders have told us that love is about being concerned for the well being of others," he said. "We need to ask ourselves 'How can I love my spouse more or better.'"

Dr. Young advises couples seeking counseling to find a counselor who is trained in the area they wish to work on and make sure their style fits. If one spouse doesn't want to attend, either ask them to at least meet with the counselor first to build a relationship or simply go by yourself and work on you.

"Counseling isn't about getting other people to change; it is about helping us change," he said. "Some spouses, especially husbands, may be afraid of counseling because they believe they might be told that what they are doing is wrong or bad. We don't want to pay someone to tell us we are a bad person. Counseling shouldn't be about that. We look at what is working, what is going well, and how to help you take your talents and use them better."

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